As I've gone through the month of November, I have participated in the 30 days of thanks on Facebook. This has gotten me thinking about all the things I am thankful for in my life. This morning, on Thanksgiving Day, God has placed it on my heart to share with you that there are things to be thankful for in dealing with infertility. Here are a few:
1. I'm thankful that I've never been pregnant. I know many of you are probably thinking, "What are you talking about?! You are going through the adoption process to get a baby, so why are you glad you've never been pregnant?!" Let me explain. I have always said that I wanted to have a child of my own. What woman doesn't. However, I have also said that I don't think I could ever be strong enough to handle getting pregnant and then suffering a miscarriage. I have known several woman who had miscarriages, some of them suffered several. I know that it has made all of these women stronger, but I don't think I am strong enough to handle that. Therefore, I am thankful that I've never gotten pregnant. For me, infertility is much easier to handle when I know I cannot get pregnant at all. Yes, I know miracles can happen. No, I'm not saying that I don't think a miracle could happen for us. But, I'm sure many other couples who have dealt with infertility will tell you that while you know miracles can happen, it is much easier to be realistic so you don't continue to be absolutely heartbroken every month when it just doesn't happen.
2. I'm thankful that these trials have brought Michael and me closer. So many times infertility issues drive couples apart. Sometimes the husband or wife can feel like they are being blamed for the infertility. How is that fair? It's not like he or she wanted this to happen! I am thankful every day for how wonderful Michael was during all the testing, no matter how awkward and uncomfortable it was for him. He has continues to be a wonderful support through all the trials we have gone through to finally make it to this point in our journey. I could not have asked for a better partner in all this. He is amazing!
3. I'm thankful for in-laws who have been through these same trials. Although I would never wish infertility on anyone, it has been extremely helpful and comforting to have the Cornwalls to talk to about our journey. They know exactly what we are going through. They are helping us with the adoption process because they went through this several times. They may have only adopted two children, but they went through the process in several different states since Mr. Cornwall was in the Air Force. Unfortunately, they also know the heartbreak of having a birth mother change her mind when they had prepared to bring home a precious baby. I pray that Michael and I do not have to deal with that, but I know if we do they will be right there with us every step of the way. They will cry with us, comfort us, and let us yell and scream if we need to. They have already let us do that so far and are able to not take anything personally because they have been in our shoes.
4. I'm thankful that God continues to teach me new things through this journey. I am learning to trust in God's perfect plan for us instead of my "perfect" plan. I am learning to trust in God's timing. It is actually an amazing and crazy thing to sit around and wonder: is our child conceived yet? Is there a birth mother out there right now that could be carrying our child?
I could probably go on with other things I'm thankful for in this time, but I'll stop there for now.
I would like to be honest about something though. During most of the year, I can go on with my life as normal and the infertility (now...2 yrs after being diagnosed) doesn't upset me as much. But, there is something about the holidays that makes it harder. Every holiday season I think, "Hopefully next year we'll have our child and will be celebrating all the fun firsts." So, as we come to another holiday season and we are still childless, it does hurt. I want so badly to be able to send out an adorable Pinterest-inspired Christmas card of my precious baby. Once again, I do know it will happen and I do trust in God's timing, but I do hope that people who have not dealt with infertility can understand our pain, especially this time of year. However, that doesn't mean you need to tiptoe around my feelings. I promise you that I am truly happy for any of my family and friends who are pregnant or have new babies.
I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy this time with your family and friends!
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